E i l u j i o n


Reconnecting With My Birthmother
April 7, 2009, 1:31 am
Filed under: adoption | Tags: , , , , , ,

3418815454_3a17c5021bI was recently able to take a trip to Colorado, due to a job interview and spend time with my birthmother. We were able to reconnect. The context of the visit diffused stress and we had fun together. It has been about 6 months since I have seen her and we’ve been through a lot ~ dealing with my birthfather and what it means to be in eachother’s lives. This is a picture of us with her husband. He is dealing with health issues related to diabetes, but seemed in good spirits during this trip.



Connecting with Birth Grandfather’s Family
March 20, 2009, 2:22 am
Filed under: adoption | Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

edithkrasnikI’ve now connected with members of my birth grandfather’s family ~ my birth mother’s father’s family. This is a picture of my great grandmother, his mother. I’ve connected with the family through Facebook and Geni. They even added me to their family tree. This is a big deal. I’ve always felt a disconnect between the family tree experience and my adoptive family. I felt that I had a relationship to those I knew, but when it came to distant ancestors, I just couldn’t find a connection. When seeing the ancestors in this family, I am moved. I am also moved by being in contact with those who are alive. Thank you internet!



Adoptive Mother Offers Support
February 17, 2009, 1:41 pm
Filed under: adoption | Tags: , , , ,

2674420043_cc6b3b14c3_mThroughout this experience with my birthfather rejecting my birthmother’s existence, my adoptive mother has been very supportive. Her father left their family when she was young and she has been able to empathize with my pain. She wanted to make herself available to my birthmother but didn’t want to make my birthmother feel uncomfortable by calling. She asked me to send her an e-mail explaining how she felt and to make her number and e-mail available.
I sent the following e-mail:

Claudette wanted you to know that even though she can’t totally understand your specific experience of having given up a child, she feels that you both share something. Not being able to have a child was very painful to her. She said that she knows people who have given up children and adopted children and she would be glad to talk to you. Her cell phone number is … or her e-mail address is … ~ love ~ j



Birthmother Hangs Up
February 14, 2009, 1:41 pm
Filed under: adoption | Tags: , , , , , ,

1323100601_c3984fe453_mEver since my birthmother surged forward to contact my birthfather, she has not acknowledged my emotions. Right after it happened, she didn’t call. I called her that evening and she was very upset. I didn’t realize that it would have upset her so much. When I asked her why she didn’t call me, she got angry and hung up on me. I immediately called her back and said I wasn’t angry at her for hanging up on me ~ that I just wanted to be there for each other. The next day I decided not to bring it up and just engage in the small talk she is so comfortable with. I thought that if I gave her a chance to deal, that eventually she would acknowledge my pain. The next time we spoke, she again didn’t mention it. I tried to have a ‘rational’ conversation about my emotions. I told her that she had taken me on a roller-coaster and didn’t realize that she would be scared too ~ but once she realized this, I needed her to acknowledge that I was scared too, since she had been the one who had taken me on the ride. She seemed to get this. I told her that I needed her to acknowledge my pain somehow. I didn’t hear anything from her and the next time she called, I was pretty upset. She didn’t like this. It is almost as if she exploded. I didn’t know what was going on, so I said, “Why don’t you just hang up on me…” and she did. Then she called back and said, “Be careful what you ask for… I’m not hanging up on you!” Then she hung up. I called her back and said, “I’m only asking to be acknowledged.” She kept saying that she didn’t know what to do and that I needed help. She said, “Don’t call me until you get some help!” My head was exploding. I couldn’t take it.

The other day, before this explosion happened, I composed this e-mail to her but never sent it:

Just because I called Ray a jerk doesn’t mean that my feelings aren’t hurt too. Your feelings were hurt and I didn’t realize that you would be so affected. I didn’t let my feelings get hurt when you hung up on me or when I called back and I could hear you in the background irritated because Stan handed the phone to you. I rose above it all to be there for you. You know I’m there for you. The next day when I had that nightmare about Mary and her family, you mentioned that you felt bad for the kids whose father didn’t want to have anything to do with them. You said that you thought if affected the boy more than the girls. It doesn’t. It hurts all around. It hurts me that you said to me before you hung up, that this is the best it gets. You couldn’t be there for me then because your feelings were hurt too. I know you have to be there for yourself first, but if you can’t be there for me, it hurts more than anything you can imagine. You haven’t asked me how I’m doing regarding it and maybe you don’t know what to say. By not saying anything, you are hurting me. I know you don’t want to and I don’t know what to do. When you show empathy for those kids and are there for them, it hurts me. I need you. I am your daughter. Whether I’m 40 or 4 ~ I’m still your daughter. I need you to reach out to me. You say you don’t write letters, but what about a quick e-mail just making sure I’m ok. What about a quick note on my facebook saying that you’re there for me ~ what about some sort of reaching out? Remember when you said you would meet me half way? I’m half way to nowhere and I need you. I’ve been rejected too. I’ve been rejected by someone whose blood runs through me veins. It hurts. I need you to find it within yourself to show me some empathy. I need to you hug me long distance. Please, please, please ~ and remember it goes both ways ~ I love you so much….